I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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