I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
