so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
