Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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