Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
