I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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