The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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