I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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