Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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