Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
