the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
