and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
