My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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