someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
two words...techno handjob
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
