I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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