My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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