so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
