watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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