i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
