dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
