Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
