Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Your cock deserves a montage
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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