Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
