im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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