I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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