today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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