Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
