You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
