My nipple is on Facebook.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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