shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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