We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
