he puts the penis in happiness.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
