then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
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I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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