I've blown a few things in my day
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
