You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
