My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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