One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
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I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize