Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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