ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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