I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
