You're my little dorito
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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