I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
