when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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