Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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