I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
