Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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