I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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