We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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