we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
This house was built for laser tag.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
