Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
