remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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