you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
