my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
