bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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