dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
