I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
