I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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