I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
