Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
