why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
