Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
