Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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